GOAL MET!!! Sweetness.

Well! That's it then; goal accomplished.  Thanks so much to all who gave!

This has been a great ride so far, and I don't think I can quite describe how excited I am.  (Both because I'm very excited, but also because I woke up at 11pm and have been driving all night to make it here to Hattiesburg!)

Next stops: New Orleans, Philidelphia, Frankfort, Budapest, then a bus to Romania!

I can't wait to get a chance to talk in-person with Ken Tucker, the music missionary who also serves as our main contact there.  This is so amazing!

PS:
If you had it in your mind to give to this trip and still want to, feel free to do so here or through USM XA.  Any money over my original goal will be used for missions.

GOAL [almost] MADE!!!

Wow!!! I've pretty much made the goal! WOW! Praise God! This is so amazing! Thanks to Biker Church HSV and the Jorgensens for inviting me down! I'm so amazed!

(More exclamation points are needed!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Now off to sleep and wake up at 11:30pm tonight for a drive back to Hattiesburg before the sun comes out again!

GoFundMe

Give thanks!

Just a few things I have to be thankful for this year:

Scholastically:

• I had an entire YEAR's worth of free doctoral level classes at a school of music with high standards: a $14,448 value!!!!
• I got paid a stipend.
• I've learned how a choir can use a tuning fork instead of a piano.  HUGE.
• I've built relationships with colleagues and with Dr. Gregory Fuller which will no doubt last a lifetime.
• These same relationships will provide me with first-class recommendations.

Missions:

• I've had the opportunity to meet Matt McMurrin's parents who were the first I've ever heard of who essentially have the job that I want: musical missionary.
• Matt himself has provided me with encouragement and great wisdom about future plans.
• Karis Tucker and her parents have also been role models to me in this area. Before coming, I didn't know ANYONE who had EVER considered being a musical missionary.  Now I know two separate families!
• Ken, Karis's dad is our main contact point as I travel with Chorale to Romania.  Not only do I get to network with him, but I will also get a little on-the-job observations.  SWEET!
• If I hadn't come to USM, I would have never met Dr. Alvarez or had the opportunity to go to Costa Rica this summer!  This is something that I've tried to work out on my own for the last three or more years and only by coming here has that door opened up!!!!

Spiritually:

• I enjoyed participating in worship at a church of the denomination of my youth.
• I met an awesome, 9-member family which is "living on faith" and submitting to God's leadership in ways most people don't even ask about...
• Debbie Harper (the mom of that family) is also earning her doctorate and provided me with a WEALTH of information on the relationship between God, career, and family.
• I had amazing interactions with USM Chi Alpha and especially Chris Buckle who has helped me grow spiritually in areas of my life that have shows zero growth before.

In short... I have NO doubt that this has been one of the best years of my life and the most blessing-filled as well!!!!

Post Script...

Please don't feel sad if I forgot and left you off the list.

Once, during my 6th grade math class, I was really excited about school and life and starting being thankful out loud.  "My english teacher is the bomb because... and my social studies teacher is awesome because... and my math teacher..."

It was at that moment my mind went completely blank to my utter embarrassment.  As I went to my next class, my friends were telling me that Mrs. Green was in tears!  Now might be an appropriate time to mention that she was also pregnant....

All that said.  Just because I didn't mention you here doesn't mean I'm not thankful for you, too.  My brain is just only so big.... :) 

Fall 2013

Friends and Family,

I'm not sure whether to tell you that I have good news or bad news.  On the surface this appears to be bad news, but on the other hand I honestly believe that anytime my "normal" is shaken up I feel closer to God.

The bad news is that I won't be returning to Hattiesburg as a Doctoral student in the Fall.  I did not pass my second Qualification Exam and my appeal for a third chance was denied.

First of all, as of yet this does not definitively mean that I will no longer be enrolled at USM.  Depending on policy and what doors open up this summer, I might pursue a Masters degree in Choral Conducting since my current Masters is in Music Education.

Secondly, an even more exciting option has opened up (at least within the confines of my mind :) and that is the thought of teaching in Latin America before earning a doctoral degree.  As you know I will be spending June and July in Costa Rica at the University of Costa Rica with the School of Music and with Josh Amiot on a MAPS missions trip.  I have maintained all along that this will be a priceless opportunity for me to network with Latin America choral directors and possibly to find a job somewhere in the tropics.  This would be an AMAZING opportunity if it opens up.

But as always... God's will be done.  I have absolutely no doubt that His hand is in this, and for that reason I am content--even in my disappointment--to know that He still is and will always be in charge.

All that said, I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I move forward and make decision about the coming year.  I am glad there are so many decisions to be made and eager to follow Gods will as I make them.

Yours,

Jason

--

Jason Scott Vawter

Comments Welcome!

I'm so excited about the wonderful things God has been doing in my life lately.  As for money for the missions trip, I'm WELL on my way to having it almost completely funded.  WOOT WOOT!  I still have a few people who have told me they will donate and they will probably be coming in soon.  Right now, I believe I have enough to scrape by, which is a HUGE answer to prayer, because that's really all I've wanted to do.

In other news, I'm weighing some big decisions on what the next school year might hold.  Or better put, some of my professors will be deciding for me what it will hold.  I ask for your prayer in that as Wednesday comes quickly.  Nevertheless I know that God is ultimately in control and I have no doubt that whatever choice is made, His Will ultimately will shine through. I learned a long time ago that...

"Unless the Lord builds the house, it's builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, it's watchmen stand guard in vain.  In vain you rise early and stay up late toiling for food to eat!  For he grants sleep to those he loves."

I am thankful for God's rest.  True peace and relaxing rest is a gift from Him.  I don't build, labor, watch, or toil in vain because I choose to only hold onto those things God allows me to keep.  "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away" nevertheless... rather ALL THE MORE, "blessed be the Name of the Lord!!!!"

Side note: My blog doesn't have a huge readership, but it appears I have a consistent 25 people or so that read each post.  Just want to let you know you're welcome to comment below.  I LOVE encouraging words from friends and family!

Thanks to Harvest Church

Pastor Reynolds and Harvest:

Thank you so much for the generous donation from Harvest Church!  It was much more than I expected and I can tell it truly came from the generous heart of both you and the whole church.  I will miss my church family while I'm away.  I hope you will let those who care to know that I'll be updating my blog (afishymusicmachine.blogspot.com) with information on my missions progress and any other interesting tidbits as I'm living these next few months.  Harvest has been a blessing from God.  I have truly felt the Lord's encouragement through the church family.

                                                                          

Thanks to McKendree UMC

McKendree and Jasper Community:

Thank you so much for all that you've done!  Your generosity is truly overwhelming!  Special thanks to Julia who spearheaded the endeavor! No doubt Tommy and Fred deserve thanks for their contribution of fresh fish.  Thanks to Ron and Bonnie who obviously allowed advertising air-time during Sunday morning services and Wednesday night practices. Thanks to the many choir and church members who invited, cooked, cleaned, and gave money.  I don't deserve this lavish display of love.  I'm so grateful!  I'm going to be doing my best to keep updating this blog so that those who wish to know what I'm up to can have plenty of information. Of course that's mainly to sooth Julia's lovingly deep desire to know more, but others are invited to check in as often as they'd like for fresh missions details. :)

Thank you all again!

Good things!

I'm so thankful to God that He has provided.

In the midst of bad news, He provides me peace.

And as for Costa Rica, I have plenty of GREAT news.

• I'll be staying with a student from UCR.
• This means I'll have more opportunity to be a living missionary.  (I don't know whether he and his family are Chrsitans.) 
• This also means one cost of living will be drastically reduced.
• I just had quite a bit of money that has come in even just today.
• At least two people have made large donations (see my GoFundMe site)
• And my previous church family (McKendree UMC) made a huge donation through setting up a fish fry in honor of this missions work!

God's provision is much more than I deserve!

Mississippi ACDA

I'm so thankful right now for the experiences that God has provided for me here at Southern Miss.  Yesterday I had the opportunity to pick up a speaker for this year's Mississippi ACDA conference.  He is a choral conductor and professor at Providence (RI) College and he is also the coordinator for an international conductor exchange program (think foreign exchange students, but with conductors and for a short 2-3 week period).  I enjoyed having an hour to talk to him about the benefits of this type of focused cultural trading among other things and in about an hour, I'll have the pleasure to take him back to the airport again and continue discussing this topic.  How perfect that God has lined this up!

Among other things, I've also received quite a few more donations, which I'm able to show HERE on my GoFundMe.com page.  And I've received word of MANY many more which I can't yet list.  I even have word that some of my very dear friends at McKendree UMC are even planning a fish fry to raise money.  But shhhhh.... I have a feeling Julia wasn't supposed to tell me that. :)

In short, I'm amazed and awed and a bit shocked at how God is providing and how He continues to do so through the wonderful friends he has given me.

WOW!!!

I'm amazed right now.

This past week has been a whirlwind of spiritual activity!  Within the past week, I've heard back from THREE collegiate choral directors in San Jose, and I've talked with Josh Amiot, XA missionary to the University of Costa Rica, and I've already received promise of at least two sums of moneys to reimburse me for my window damage from the tornado!  And one of the donors (which as of yet is unknown to me!) is willing to put that money towards the Costa Rica missions opportunity if the other source ends up covering the whole cost of my windows!

All this points to God's provision in my life. Much more than simple financial provision; it's a provision of opportunity.  Both ways AND means!  This is wonderful!  God, I am so thankful!

"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live,I will praise my God to my last breath!May all my thoughts be pleasing to him,for I rejoice in the Lord!"   -Psalm 104:33-34

P.S. - Sorry for all the exclamation points... it's just an exclamatory type of day!

P.P.S - I forgot to mention the fact that God also put me in touch with someone who does the same work I want to do, but in Ukraine!!  Seriously!  A musical missionary to Ukraine that performs mammoth sacred works by famous dead composers.  A year ago, I thought this was a crazy, outlandish idea no-one had ever tried before.  It's nice to know there are others with years and years of experience!  Check them out! >>> www.musicmissionkiev.org

2013 Costa Rica Missions Letter

Jason Scott Vawter

Cell 256-585-4257

Chi Alpha Southern Miss

118 College Dr. #8136

Hattiesburg, MS. 39406

Dear friends and family,

In case you don't know, my deepest desire is to serve God by leading, teaching and directing choirs on the collegiate level in Latin America.  A little more than a year ago I felt God telling me this wasn't just my desire, but also His desire for me. More plainly said: I believe God has called me to this.

The Here and Now
Here at the University of Southern Mississippi (USM) God has blessed me with an assistantship that allows me to get a very high value doctoral education for free. In fact, I am very excited to now be working on my first choral recital with collegiate singers (April 18th and 21st if you're interested in coming!).  In a little more than 2 years from now this will culminate with me having the credentials most stateside colleges require of their professors. More importantly, I have started serving God at the collegiate level with Chi Alpha (XA) Christian Fellowship. Chris Buckel--the XA missionary here--has invited me to join him on staff as he, his wife, and two other missionary associates pioneer the ministry at USM.  All of this has been such a blessing to me!  It offers almost everything I’m called to; all that’s missing is... Latin America.

An Opportunity to Serve
Through some digging, I have found a summer opportunity from May 28th to August 1st at the University of Costa Rica (UCR) for me to work under Josh Amiot, UCR's XA missionary there as well as spend time in the rehearsal room with Beverlyn Mora, the Choral Professor at UCR’s relatively large School of Music.  In all this experience will cost $2500 for more than two months worth of meals, lodging, learning Spanish, networking with Latin American music professors, and serving God in an established XA program that spans many branches of UCR.  Many two week missions trips cost just as much or more!

My Request
Although this is an incredible opportunity, it is right now outside of my ability to fund as a typical, poor graduate student.  Would you consider helping me get there?  Even the smallest amount will be sincerely appreciated. With the help of Chris and Josh, I have done the necessary paperwork to make this trip an official MAPS missions trip with the Assemblies of God World Missions.  This allows any donations to be tax deductible and more importantly provides me with the accountability and spiritual covering that I will need.

To Conclude
Thank you so much for reading this letter and for considering to support me as I both serve God in Latin America now AND prepare and train to be a more effective missionary in the future.  This opportunity is a blessing that I believe God Himself has orchestrated, and I am eager to see what wonderful things He has for me learn and do this summer!

Ever so gratefully,

Jason Scott Vawter

If you are able and willing to send financial support, checks can be made payable to Chi Alpha (put “Costa Rica” in the memo line) and mailed to the address above. You can also donate online through XAUSM’s website. Your donation is 100% tax-deductible and you will receive a giving receipt from Chi Alpha Southern Miss in early January 2014, unless requested sooner. If you have any questions, please text or give me a call!

Keeping an open mouth.

Recently I was part of a discussion on "keeping an open mind" or "tolerance" or "political correctness." Call it what you want, we've all had the same discussion before, or at least contemplated the issue.

At issue in this particular discussion was whether or not it was ok for people in non-political and non-religious authority to use that authority to discuss those issues.  In my case think teacher or choir director talking about politics or religion.  Obviously the prevailing point of this discussion was that this type of behavior should be considered an "abuse of power."  The prevailing opinion went so far as to say that not only was it unethical for a teacher or choir director in non-religious authority to voice their own opinions and beliefs, but furthermore that even in a church setting--one that is religious by its very nature--it would be inappropriate for a choir director to discuss religion.

Huh?

Rather than discuss how offended I am at this belief or how sad I am that our culture has come to this, I'm now instead going to discuss truth; something that brings me comfort, joy, and peace.

My God has told me to "go into ALL the world and preach the GOOD news" of His coming.  He hasn't placed any limit on where or when I should do that.  He hasn't asked me to weigh the political correctness of the message.  I'm not the Owner or Originator the message; I'm only privileged to be the messenger. In the last verses of Jeremiah 1, God says to me just as He said to the prophet:

"Get up and prepare for action.    Go out and tell them everything I tell you to say.Do not be afraid of them,    or I will make you look foolish in front of them.
 For see, today I have made you strong    like a fortified city that cannot be captured,    like an iron pillar or a bronze wall.You will stand against the whole land—    the kings, officials, priests, and people of Judah.¹⁹ They will fight you, but they will fail.    For I am with you, and I will take care of you.    I, the Lord, have spoken!”

You see Church, we have NOTHING to fear! He doesn't promise the battle will be easy or even that we'll win it.  But we WILL win the war.

I must admit... I'm pretty bad at being a messenger.  There are plenty of times where God gives me an open door and I give Him a closed mouth in return.  But even in that... when I sincerely admit to Him my fear and my wrongness in not keeping an open mouth, He is so gracious to forgive me!  I love Him for it.

So...if now is the customary time to make resolutions, these are mine:

• To do a better job noticing the open doors God places in front of me and...
• To walk through these doors with an open mouth ready and willing...
• To proclaim His goodness and mercy to anyone who will listen, and even to those who won't.

Loosing one's sense of trust

In all honesty, for me the worst part about being robbed is loosing the trust that I cherished.  I highly value trusting my neighbors/neighborhood enough to leave doors unlocked or things unguarded.  For sure, I'll be locking my doors for a good while from now, but you know what?  It didn't really matter.  The thief (read ignoramus) was too stupid to use the completely unlocked back door.  Or the windows which don't lock.  No, he/she decided to use the front door.  Why not break into a small house on a busy street?  You'd think a smart thief would break in the back door anyway, just to keep from being seen.  So much for that.

I wonder if it was just someone who was mad at me.  If that was the case, I simply wish I could talk to them and set things right.  You'd have to be pretty upset with a guy to break into his house, wouldn't you?  Surely I'd know if someone was that upset.

And if it wasn't someone I know, then why did they look to the very back of the closets to take seemingly pitiful stuff, while leaving the printer, relatively expensive surge protectors, and lawnmower.  Heck, it was all boxed up for them; they could have just pretended they were moving and backed a truck up.

Some people say, why lock your doors, a thief will find a way in if he really wants to.  How true.  Only in this case, it didn't matter that I left the door unlocked.  Yeah, I'll be locking my doors for a good while now, even though it apparently doesn't matter.

I get the feeling it was someone who knows me, and knows what I had and where I kept stuff.  They probably just broke the front glass to make it look more like a random act of crime.  The stuff that was left wasn't ruined or sabotaged like you might expect, and only a few boxes were open or gone.  My major question is this: was it someone who was mad at me, or just someone who's broke and wanted my stuff?

Of course there's no way to really know if it was someone I know.  And in all honesty, they didn't take anything I need, just stuff I'd have rather kept.

But the thing I miss most is my sense of trust.

Merry Christmas [letter]

Dear Friends and Family: Merry Christmas!

Once again, in the ancient tradition of communicating with people you haven't heard from since last year (and some you speak to too often :-), I thought it was about time to write a Christmas letter to keep all of you informed.  All those interested may read below.  Those who aren't interested are asked to keep their Ba Humbugs to a minimum while they calmly delete this message.

New Job
Didn't I have a heading like that last year?  Oh right; I did.  This time I'm a middle school choir teacher at Lake Forest Elementary.  As I often say, it's a great job and I'm learning a lot.  One of the greatest parts of this job is having the opportunity to work with a partner teacher, Katie Wagner, for almost the whole day.  Katie is a great teacher with long-lasting patience; just what those whiley middle-schoolers need!  I hope to be leaving a [positive] lasting impression on my students, but I'm also looking forward to the coming year when I will be searching for a high school choral position.

Handel's Messiah
For those of you who haven't heard, I recently lead a community-wide production of Handel's Messiah (the Christmas portion).  Many people pitched in to help and it went of better than I could have ever hoped!  The community choir, dubbed the "Marion County Chamber Choir", came from more than 15 different churches and worked for three months and gave it their very best effort.  Over 200 packed the church for the first performance, and the second was almost as well attended as the first.  My brother, Greg, also chipped in and produced a high quality recording (both CD and DVD).  It was my first time to direct a choir for an entire concert, and it was Greg's first time to be in charge of recording one.  Many could be seen crying at the performance; personally, I cried when I saw the recording.  I've got a lot to improve in my conducting ability!  :-)

Lee University Songbook
A group of students at Lee and I are working together to produce and publish a songbook that accurately records Lee's Musical history and fosters new songs about Lee.  It's pretty exciting, and it's already underway.  It's going to be cloth-hardbound, and quite professionally done.  Actually, I'm just excited that something this cool is happening.  If you're interested, you can check out our website (which will soon change locations) at hiex.info.

Master's Degree
Due to the new job a Lake Forest Middle School, I'm putting school a little further down the totem pole.  I fully intend to finish, but I think it's going to happen mainly during the coming summers.

A Sentimental Note
I am thankful to God for His Love and Mercy.  As I look at this year, I'm surprised at what things God has placed before me and then brought me through.  It's crazy to think how much He puts up with and exactly how much He loves us.  I pray that our knowledge of God would grow more full and deep.

God Bless!  I hope your Christmas was Merry and your New Year is filled with great opportunity!

Yours,
Jason

PS- If you have a Facebook, Plaxo, or Twitter account, look me up!

--
Jason Scott Vawter
Assistant Choral Director-Lake Forest MS
Choir Director-McKendree UMC
Cell 256.585.4257

Messiah!

This was written in response to the recent Messiah Production in Jasper, TN:

I actually feel refreshed after this weekend.  The whole way home, I just sat silently in the car and though about what all had happened and how wonderful it had all been.  It's interesting that I enjoy that so much more than my middle school job!  :-)  I had been all worried about this next semester and where I might be in a year from now, but you know what?  If God can provide something so wonderful for me to be a part of in such a strange and unassuming place as Jasper, TN, then I'm sure He can and will provide my next job.  And I'm sure it will be exactly what I need.

When I came to McKendree, I expected to have a church home, and to lead a choir, and become involved with the church, and get a paycheck, and I expected to be loved.  But I did not expect to have such a huge and wonderful opportunity dropped in my lap and then be supported on every turn by the church as a whole.  This church has fed me non-stop with food, love and care.  I have yet to have any argument over music that wasn't very quickly resolved (where in the world would that ever happen!) and I can't even begin to count the ways I have been loved and accepted!

I truly can't wait to see what God has in store for me in the coming months!

I Love America

Here's part of a letter I wrote to my Polish friend, Damian:

 

I wish I could meet you in Spain!  I would absolutely love to go there for a little time.  I think you are so lucky to live in the EU and to have an EU passport.  Of course, I'm proud to be an American, but it also makes me very sad spiritually.  We are coming up on the 4th of July week which is the time when everyone displays American flags and the most patriotism is shown.  But... it makes me sad because although I love America; it hurts me to see us so spiritually depraved.  We have run so far from our Christian roots.  It's seems like we're actually ashamed of them.  I don't understand it.  It hurts my heart to know how much this country is greiving God.  Maybe our morality right now isn't all that much worse than other countries, but I think it makes it worse that we used to be so heavily Christian based and now, within the last 50 years or so, we have run headstrong away from Him.  It's almost like we've slapped God in the face and run away.  It's such a strange thing to wonder how we got here.

 

Last night I went to a 4th of July church musical at a large Baptist church in Huntsville.  They put it on every year.  It's called "I Love America", and it involves a huge singing flag and drama and special handmade video (handmade by my brother! :-) and many other moving parts.  It always makes you proud to live here...

 

Sort of.  I was very surprized that there was absolutely no mention of America's hugely messed up state right now.  No one mentioned of how we have turned our backs on the very God we talk about in every historical document.  Did you know that EVERY single preamble to the state constitutions make mention of God, thanking God, or being appreciative to "Divine Guidance" or something very similar?  But we've completely erased Him from our history books.  For the last fifty years, we've done our very best to push Him as far from our mouths as possible, and for the last 40 years we've pushed him away spiritually as well.

 

Many preachers have been blasted for saying that 9-11 and Huricane Katrina were some sort of divine punishment.  I seriously doubt it.  A warning... maybe.  But there's no way it could have been punishment.  If God was in the business of retaliation or revenge on our spiritual state, we would have been wiped out a long time ago.  Did we deserve those two catastrophies?  As a nation... yeah.  Definitely.  "It rains on the just and the unjust."  Some very wonderful, righteous, and truly holy people were affected by recent tragedies.  But not one "good" city was hurt.  Those horrible things could have happened anywhere in the continental US and they wouldn't have affected a truely "good" city.

 

We are messed up.  And the sad thing is that we're too arrogant and puffed up to admit it.  We'd rather just ignore the warnings (whatever they looks like) and keep on our merry way.  If this is the path America is going to take... we won't last long.

 

I'm still proud to be an American, but only because I believe there are still some people out there whose deffinition of "America" still includes some of that beautiful (though flawed), hard-fought, Christ-centered history.

 

God... don't bless America... teach us.  If You truly love us, discipline us.  Don't let us turn ourselves into illigitemate children by ignoring Your correction.  Turn our hearts back to you.

 

Christians... pray that God would say of us as He said of Israel:

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord.  They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart."

Gal. 6:8-9

Some days you strive to do your best, and others you just strive not to give up. Neither is all that bad.

At least that's what Gal 6:8-9 says to me today.  Well... actually just verse 9: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Some days I just get so tired of doing good, trying hard and giving my best.  When will I get a break?  When do I get a sabbatical?  I thought those were supposed to be an ever week thing, but don't know if I can remember the last time I've had one.  I get to the end of my day, er, well... I get to 5 or 6 pm and my brain refuses to be productive.  On the best of days, I force it into submission and am thereby able to cram 30 minutes worth of work into the next 3 or 4 hours of striving.

Strive is sort of a funny word.  Well... more of a painful word.  It's almost like work, but work often comes with rewards.  A "hard day's work" connotes pictures of accomplishment and pride.  But "strive" just makes me think of spinning my wheels.  Hard work without any discernible progress or accomplishment.  All the work without any of the fun.

So I guess what I'm trying to do is give some sort of apologetic speech about why I'm not perfect.

I mentioned to Dr. Plate yesterday that I felt like everyone (my peers, the undergraduates, and some of my professors as well) looks down on me even when I'm doing my best; like I'm working hard, but it doesn't matter because it's just not good enough.  I'm supposed to be the mature graduate student who has a good knowledge base and is thirsty for more.  (Quick side note: I'm going to be working on the "mature" part because I realize I've been taking the "heart of a child" thing a little too far).  But in reality, I feel a lot more like a super-super senior without any sort of mental super-powers.  I'm all but a failing graduate student just trying to keep my head above water.

What makes this worse is that now that I'm taking this Choral Lit. class with many of the juniors and seniors from Chorale... they've caught on.  They see what I'm putting out and look at me with disdain.  "Why can't he just grow up?"  "Is he really that dumb?"  In truth, I'm one of the least smartest in the class, and yet, I'm the only graduate student.  Sad day.

Unfortunately, I'm just me.  I'm really not all that smart (mentally, spiritually, or otherwise).  About the only redeeming thing about me is that I don't quit.  At least not for long.  And sometimes, I really wonder if that's such a redeeming quality anyways.  I've definitely gotten in trouble a couple times when I should have quit, but it took me too long to figure that out.

So... here I am.  Without fanfare or amazing musical abilities.  Without any amazing GPA.  Without any real advantage at all.

I know God brought me here (to Lee, to graduate school, to life; your pick), but sometimes I seriously wonder what He's going to do with me; because at this point it doesn't seem like I'm really worth all that much.

But I've promised Him that I'm His; good and bad; mistakes, forgetfulness, shortcomings and all.  And it's a good think He'll take me, because no one else wants this mess.  Not even me.

New Day

Today is a new day.  Yesterday's mistakes are gone, and even if the consequences must still be lived through, the past cannot be changed.  I can do my best from here forward, even if I can't change what's behind me.

God, thanks for the good night's sleep and for the sun just coming over the hill into the baby blue sky.  Thanks for the springtime that's just warm enough in the afternoon to open windows and turn on fans.  You have blessed me beyond imagination.  You have given me hope and a future.  I thank You that You're "still workin' on me to make me what I aughta be."

You said if I seek You, You will be found by me.  God, if Your presence doesn't go with me, I don't want to go anywhere, much less try anything new.  Lord, this life just won't work without You.  Nothing is going to be right without You.  I have to have You.  Please fill me with Your presence and give me the strength I need to do Your will.  I can't do the work you've set before me without Your help.  I'm helpless and pitiful without You.  Be near.

Fire? I just want to give up.

God, I'm tired of doing this alone.  I'm tired of trying so hard and still messing up.  I'm just tired.

I haven't gotten anything done on this paper that I'm supposed to be writing since last Thursday or maybe even Wednesday.  I don't know what else to do, Lord.  I'm just so tired and tired.

When will I be better than this?

God, I need Your help.  I want to focus on You, but all I can see is what's in front of me.  Someone throws a itty-bitty bit of temptation my way, and I fall head over heals to chase it down.  Why can't I be that way about You?  I just don't understand, God.  Why am I so messed up?

I seriously wonder if I'll pass this class.  I promised You that I would give You my best, and I was certain that if I did, You would see me through.  But what about now that I haven't given my best?  What about now, with my horrible procrastination and misuse of my time?  And when do I stop helping people to get my own work done?  I spent almost 4 entire days helping out with a yard sale which I'll most likely receive less than $40 for.  I was just doing it to be helpful.  And I spent all morning helping Clare and talking with her about you.  And the other day I spent getting my house ready for Greg and Sam to come up.  And a couple of weeks ago, I gave up 5 whole days to You.  So, this afternoon, when it's my turn to catch up on the work that I haven't done... I'm so tired and brain-dead that all I do is procrastinate more.  Not to mention the things I was doing while I procrastinated.

It's not that I want some sort of great and immediate return on my investment; I just want to pass my class and be saved the embarrassment of having to look Dr. Patty in the face and know that he knows I'm such a slacker and a procrastinator.  I think he must think I don't care about that class at all.  I'm never prepared for it.

And when will I be completely relieved from this sin addiction?  Will I ever stop stumbling and stubbing my spiritual toes till they're dripping with blood?  I mean, the stupid thing about it is that I'm not even enjoying myself.  You'd think that sin would give you at least some temporary gratification.  Honestly, I'm glad my sin makes me sick and isn't fun; that's what I've prayed for.  But I wish I would stop it all together.

When does the fire come in such a consuming way that everything else is burnt up?

I've been on so many camp-outs.  And thousands where it's rained.  I know how hard it is to start a fire in the rain; looking hard for something that's dry and some sort of way to keep it dry while you light it and carefully build it.  It takes two or three people just to take care of all the things the fire requires.

But I remember one camp-out in particular where Hardrock was in charge of getting a good strong fire going so that we could cook a really big meal that night.  I'm sure it was a whole hog or something like that.  It was a huge, hot, all hardwood fire with piles of good coals.  And then it started to rain.  And it was one of those Alabama, really good, soaking type, too.  Not this angel-spit Tennessee stuff.  But despite the rain, the fire kept going.  It wasn't even fazed.

Why can't I have that type of fire?  Once you get one going like that, it's so easy to tend, too.  You just keep adding hardwood.  Even a beginner would be hard pressed to suffocate such a good fire.

Am I really that bad at spiritual fire building?  I thought it was You that's supposed to build it anyway.  I thought I was just the fuel.  Or am I the fire builder and You're the fuel?  Or are You supposed to be both?  I don't know; and You know what?  I don't care, so long as the fire gets built.  I just want to be consumed.

I want to be enraptured even more than when I watch a movie and get sucked into the plot line.  I want to be so enveloped by Your presence that I can't think of anything else.  Please grant this request, Lord.  Please come to my aid.  You said that if I seek You, You will be found by me.  And that You are with me if I am with you.  God, I am with You, or trying to be; please help any part of me that's not.  I throw on you all my shortcomings and misconceptions about life.  I throw on You my hopes and dreams and desires.  Take it all.  I'm not worthy to try, and I don't have enough authority to give up.  I'll do whatever You ask.  It's up to You to take care of the outcomes and the assessments.  If I'm taking this class for You, then whatever grade I get is also for You.  It's not my grade; it's Yours.  I'm Yours.

Please forgive me for my constant mistakes and outright bad choices.  I'm so flawed and helpless to be any different.  I lay myself at Your feet.  There's nothing else I can do but that.

Fire begets Fire

Just in case you're an avid Afishymusicmachine blog reader... I'm still a pyro in the mood for fire.

But at the same time, I'm also a very social guy.  Social meaning I still feel a need for other, like-minded people to spur me on.  I feel the desperateness and the call of the Elijah and John the Baptist spirit--minus the ability to keep the fire going, to keep tapped into the stream of living water without having others around me who want and desire the same thing.

Is there anyone of my friends, preferably in the Lee University area who is willing to dive into this lifestyle?

Chris Oglesby and I were talking about this last night.  On a scale of 1 to 10, how holy do you want to be?  Seriously.  What's your answer to that question?  It seems like most Christians would just answer: "holy enough" or "just a little holier than I was yesterday" or something else similar.  May I venture to say... maybe even most Christians I know at Lee would say something like that, completely skirting the issue of the question.  Is there not anyone else who would answer a resounding "10!"

God isn't coming back for a semi-precious, almost-perfect bride.  Why do we insist on being complacent and apathetic in our Christian walk?  Why can't we simply humble ourselves and pray, and seek His face, and turn from our wicked ways?

Take a look around you.  We have been horribly decieved into thinking that our highly, and overtly perverted sexual culture is somehow overlooked by God.  And the church looks just like the world in this area.  It's just so heart breaking.  It makes me want to weep and curse in the same breath.

In Revelation 2:18-29, Jesus speaks to us.  He says he sees our love and faith, our service and preserverance.  He sees that we are doing so much for Him.  He essentially gives us a hearty, "BRAVO!"  He's proud of us; we're actually doing some good!  But... He goes on:  He wants to judge [correct] us for tolerating the spirit of Jezebel and her blatant sexual immorality.

He doesn't necessarily accuse us of being sexual immoral.... it's just that we tolerate it.  It doesn't bother us that our Christian brothers and sisters joke about the same, sexually crude stuff that the world does.  Instead of being sickened by the sexually perverted shows on television that depict and display homosexuality, pre- and extra-marital sex, pornography, complete immodesty, et al.-- instead of this sickening us, we enjoy it.  Huh?  Since when did this please the Heart of God?


Is there anyone else who desires extreme purity?  All I want is to be caught on fire by the Almighty God.  I honestly don't care what it looks like.  I don't care if it just makes me look like a freak or some off-the-edge religious fanatic.  I just want to be in the palm of God's hand.  I know that I'll make mistakes.  I know that I'll fall at least a thousand more times.  The higher the standard, the harder it is to reach.  Can perfection be attained?  That's an irrelevant question.  The real questions are: Who's going to aim for it?  Who's going to reach for excellence?  And more importantly: Who's going to stop playing "Christian" and finally give it their all?

Fasting, prayer, deep and real passion.  These are words that I want on my tombstone.  I don't care if anyone else joins me or not; this is my stubborn desire (finally! something good to be stubborn about! :-).

But the truth is... I do care if anyone else joins me.  So... please, someone respond.