Fire? I just want to give up.

God, I'm tired of doing this alone.  I'm tired of trying so hard and still messing up.  I'm just tired.

I haven't gotten anything done on this paper that I'm supposed to be writing since last Thursday or maybe even Wednesday.  I don't know what else to do, Lord.  I'm just so tired and tired.

When will I be better than this?

God, I need Your help.  I want to focus on You, but all I can see is what's in front of me.  Someone throws a itty-bitty bit of temptation my way, and I fall head over heals to chase it down.  Why can't I be that way about You?  I just don't understand, God.  Why am I so messed up?

I seriously wonder if I'll pass this class.  I promised You that I would give You my best, and I was certain that if I did, You would see me through.  But what about now that I haven't given my best?  What about now, with my horrible procrastination and misuse of my time?  And when do I stop helping people to get my own work done?  I spent almost 4 entire days helping out with a yard sale which I'll most likely receive less than $40 for.  I was just doing it to be helpful.  And I spent all morning helping Clare and talking with her about you.  And the other day I spent getting my house ready for Greg and Sam to come up.  And a couple of weeks ago, I gave up 5 whole days to You.  So, this afternoon, when it's my turn to catch up on the work that I haven't done... I'm so tired and brain-dead that all I do is procrastinate more.  Not to mention the things I was doing while I procrastinated.

It's not that I want some sort of great and immediate return on my investment; I just want to pass my class and be saved the embarrassment of having to look Dr. Patty in the face and know that he knows I'm such a slacker and a procrastinator.  I think he must think I don't care about that class at all.  I'm never prepared for it.

And when will I be completely relieved from this sin addiction?  Will I ever stop stumbling and stubbing my spiritual toes till they're dripping with blood?  I mean, the stupid thing about it is that I'm not even enjoying myself.  You'd think that sin would give you at least some temporary gratification.  Honestly, I'm glad my sin makes me sick and isn't fun; that's what I've prayed for.  But I wish I would stop it all together.

When does the fire come in such a consuming way that everything else is burnt up?

I've been on so many camp-outs.  And thousands where it's rained.  I know how hard it is to start a fire in the rain; looking hard for something that's dry and some sort of way to keep it dry while you light it and carefully build it.  It takes two or three people just to take care of all the things the fire requires.

But I remember one camp-out in particular where Hardrock was in charge of getting a good strong fire going so that we could cook a really big meal that night.  I'm sure it was a whole hog or something like that.  It was a huge, hot, all hardwood fire with piles of good coals.  And then it started to rain.  And it was one of those Alabama, really good, soaking type, too.  Not this angel-spit Tennessee stuff.  But despite the rain, the fire kept going.  It wasn't even fazed.

Why can't I have that type of fire?  Once you get one going like that, it's so easy to tend, too.  You just keep adding hardwood.  Even a beginner would be hard pressed to suffocate such a good fire.

Am I really that bad at spiritual fire building?  I thought it was You that's supposed to build it anyway.  I thought I was just the fuel.  Or am I the fire builder and You're the fuel?  Or are You supposed to be both?  I don't know; and You know what?  I don't care, so long as the fire gets built.  I just want to be consumed.

I want to be enraptured even more than when I watch a movie and get sucked into the plot line.  I want to be so enveloped by Your presence that I can't think of anything else.  Please grant this request, Lord.  Please come to my aid.  You said that if I seek You, You will be found by me.  And that You are with me if I am with you.  God, I am with You, or trying to be; please help any part of me that's not.  I throw on you all my shortcomings and misconceptions about life.  I throw on You my hopes and dreams and desires.  Take it all.  I'm not worthy to try, and I don't have enough authority to give up.  I'll do whatever You ask.  It's up to You to take care of the outcomes and the assessments.  If I'm taking this class for You, then whatever grade I get is also for You.  It's not my grade; it's Yours.  I'm Yours.

Please forgive me for my constant mistakes and outright bad choices.  I'm so flawed and helpless to be any different.  I lay myself at Your feet.  There's nothing else I can do but that.