Messiah!

This was written in response to the recent Messiah Production in Jasper, TN:

I actually feel refreshed after this weekend.  The whole way home, I just sat silently in the car and though about what all had happened and how wonderful it had all been.  It's interesting that I enjoy that so much more than my middle school job!  :-)  I had been all worried about this next semester and where I might be in a year from now, but you know what?  If God can provide something so wonderful for me to be a part of in such a strange and unassuming place as Jasper, TN, then I'm sure He can and will provide my next job.  And I'm sure it will be exactly what I need.

When I came to McKendree, I expected to have a church home, and to lead a choir, and become involved with the church, and get a paycheck, and I expected to be loved.  But I did not expect to have such a huge and wonderful opportunity dropped in my lap and then be supported on every turn by the church as a whole.  This church has fed me non-stop with food, love and care.  I have yet to have any argument over music that wasn't very quickly resolved (where in the world would that ever happen!) and I can't even begin to count the ways I have been loved and accepted!

I truly can't wait to see what God has in store for me in the coming months!

I Love America

Here's part of a letter I wrote to my Polish friend, Damian:

 

I wish I could meet you in Spain!  I would absolutely love to go there for a little time.  I think you are so lucky to live in the EU and to have an EU passport.  Of course, I'm proud to be an American, but it also makes me very sad spiritually.  We are coming up on the 4th of July week which is the time when everyone displays American flags and the most patriotism is shown.  But... it makes me sad because although I love America; it hurts me to see us so spiritually depraved.  We have run so far from our Christian roots.  It's seems like we're actually ashamed of them.  I don't understand it.  It hurts my heart to know how much this country is greiving God.  Maybe our morality right now isn't all that much worse than other countries, but I think it makes it worse that we used to be so heavily Christian based and now, within the last 50 years or so, we have run headstrong away from Him.  It's almost like we've slapped God in the face and run away.  It's such a strange thing to wonder how we got here.

 

Last night I went to a 4th of July church musical at a large Baptist church in Huntsville.  They put it on every year.  It's called "I Love America", and it involves a huge singing flag and drama and special handmade video (handmade by my brother! :-) and many other moving parts.  It always makes you proud to live here...

 

Sort of.  I was very surprized that there was absolutely no mention of America's hugely messed up state right now.  No one mentioned of how we have turned our backs on the very God we talk about in every historical document.  Did you know that EVERY single preamble to the state constitutions make mention of God, thanking God, or being appreciative to "Divine Guidance" or something very similar?  But we've completely erased Him from our history books.  For the last fifty years, we've done our very best to push Him as far from our mouths as possible, and for the last 40 years we've pushed him away spiritually as well.

 

Many preachers have been blasted for saying that 9-11 and Huricane Katrina were some sort of divine punishment.  I seriously doubt it.  A warning... maybe.  But there's no way it could have been punishment.  If God was in the business of retaliation or revenge on our spiritual state, we would have been wiped out a long time ago.  Did we deserve those two catastrophies?  As a nation... yeah.  Definitely.  "It rains on the just and the unjust."  Some very wonderful, righteous, and truly holy people were affected by recent tragedies.  But not one "good" city was hurt.  Those horrible things could have happened anywhere in the continental US and they wouldn't have affected a truely "good" city.

 

We are messed up.  And the sad thing is that we're too arrogant and puffed up to admit it.  We'd rather just ignore the warnings (whatever they looks like) and keep on our merry way.  If this is the path America is going to take... we won't last long.

 

I'm still proud to be an American, but only because I believe there are still some people out there whose deffinition of "America" still includes some of that beautiful (though flawed), hard-fought, Christ-centered history.

 

God... don't bless America... teach us.  If You truly love us, discipline us.  Don't let us turn ourselves into illigitemate children by ignoring Your correction.  Turn our hearts back to you.

 

Christians... pray that God would say of us as He said of Israel:

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord.  They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart."

Gal. 6:8-9

Some days you strive to do your best, and others you just strive not to give up. Neither is all that bad.

At least that's what Gal 6:8-9 says to me today.  Well... actually just verse 9: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Some days I just get so tired of doing good, trying hard and giving my best.  When will I get a break?  When do I get a sabbatical?  I thought those were supposed to be an ever week thing, but don't know if I can remember the last time I've had one.  I get to the end of my day, er, well... I get to 5 or 6 pm and my brain refuses to be productive.  On the best of days, I force it into submission and am thereby able to cram 30 minutes worth of work into the next 3 or 4 hours of striving.

Strive is sort of a funny word.  Well... more of a painful word.  It's almost like work, but work often comes with rewards.  A "hard day's work" connotes pictures of accomplishment and pride.  But "strive" just makes me think of spinning my wheels.  Hard work without any discernible progress or accomplishment.  All the work without any of the fun.

So I guess what I'm trying to do is give some sort of apologetic speech about why I'm not perfect.

I mentioned to Dr. Plate yesterday that I felt like everyone (my peers, the undergraduates, and some of my professors as well) looks down on me even when I'm doing my best; like I'm working hard, but it doesn't matter because it's just not good enough.  I'm supposed to be the mature graduate student who has a good knowledge base and is thirsty for more.  (Quick side note: I'm going to be working on the "mature" part because I realize I've been taking the "heart of a child" thing a little too far).  But in reality, I feel a lot more like a super-super senior without any sort of mental super-powers.  I'm all but a failing graduate student just trying to keep my head above water.

What makes this worse is that now that I'm taking this Choral Lit. class with many of the juniors and seniors from Chorale... they've caught on.  They see what I'm putting out and look at me with disdain.  "Why can't he just grow up?"  "Is he really that dumb?"  In truth, I'm one of the least smartest in the class, and yet, I'm the only graduate student.  Sad day.

Unfortunately, I'm just me.  I'm really not all that smart (mentally, spiritually, or otherwise).  About the only redeeming thing about me is that I don't quit.  At least not for long.  And sometimes, I really wonder if that's such a redeeming quality anyways.  I've definitely gotten in trouble a couple times when I should have quit, but it took me too long to figure that out.

So... here I am.  Without fanfare or amazing musical abilities.  Without any amazing GPA.  Without any real advantage at all.

I know God brought me here (to Lee, to graduate school, to life; your pick), but sometimes I seriously wonder what He's going to do with me; because at this point it doesn't seem like I'm really worth all that much.

But I've promised Him that I'm His; good and bad; mistakes, forgetfulness, shortcomings and all.  And it's a good think He'll take me, because no one else wants this mess.  Not even me.

New Day

Today is a new day.  Yesterday's mistakes are gone, and even if the consequences must still be lived through, the past cannot be changed.  I can do my best from here forward, even if I can't change what's behind me.

God, thanks for the good night's sleep and for the sun just coming over the hill into the baby blue sky.  Thanks for the springtime that's just warm enough in the afternoon to open windows and turn on fans.  You have blessed me beyond imagination.  You have given me hope and a future.  I thank You that You're "still workin' on me to make me what I aughta be."

You said if I seek You, You will be found by me.  God, if Your presence doesn't go with me, I don't want to go anywhere, much less try anything new.  Lord, this life just won't work without You.  Nothing is going to be right without You.  I have to have You.  Please fill me with Your presence and give me the strength I need to do Your will.  I can't do the work you've set before me without Your help.  I'm helpless and pitiful without You.  Be near.

Fire? I just want to give up.

God, I'm tired of doing this alone.  I'm tired of trying so hard and still messing up.  I'm just tired.

I haven't gotten anything done on this paper that I'm supposed to be writing since last Thursday or maybe even Wednesday.  I don't know what else to do, Lord.  I'm just so tired and tired.

When will I be better than this?

God, I need Your help.  I want to focus on You, but all I can see is what's in front of me.  Someone throws a itty-bitty bit of temptation my way, and I fall head over heals to chase it down.  Why can't I be that way about You?  I just don't understand, God.  Why am I so messed up?

I seriously wonder if I'll pass this class.  I promised You that I would give You my best, and I was certain that if I did, You would see me through.  But what about now that I haven't given my best?  What about now, with my horrible procrastination and misuse of my time?  And when do I stop helping people to get my own work done?  I spent almost 4 entire days helping out with a yard sale which I'll most likely receive less than $40 for.  I was just doing it to be helpful.  And I spent all morning helping Clare and talking with her about you.  And the other day I spent getting my house ready for Greg and Sam to come up.  And a couple of weeks ago, I gave up 5 whole days to You.  So, this afternoon, when it's my turn to catch up on the work that I haven't done... I'm so tired and brain-dead that all I do is procrastinate more.  Not to mention the things I was doing while I procrastinated.

It's not that I want some sort of great and immediate return on my investment; I just want to pass my class and be saved the embarrassment of having to look Dr. Patty in the face and know that he knows I'm such a slacker and a procrastinator.  I think he must think I don't care about that class at all.  I'm never prepared for it.

And when will I be completely relieved from this sin addiction?  Will I ever stop stumbling and stubbing my spiritual toes till they're dripping with blood?  I mean, the stupid thing about it is that I'm not even enjoying myself.  You'd think that sin would give you at least some temporary gratification.  Honestly, I'm glad my sin makes me sick and isn't fun; that's what I've prayed for.  But I wish I would stop it all together.

When does the fire come in such a consuming way that everything else is burnt up?

I've been on so many camp-outs.  And thousands where it's rained.  I know how hard it is to start a fire in the rain; looking hard for something that's dry and some sort of way to keep it dry while you light it and carefully build it.  It takes two or three people just to take care of all the things the fire requires.

But I remember one camp-out in particular where Hardrock was in charge of getting a good strong fire going so that we could cook a really big meal that night.  I'm sure it was a whole hog or something like that.  It was a huge, hot, all hardwood fire with piles of good coals.  And then it started to rain.  And it was one of those Alabama, really good, soaking type, too.  Not this angel-spit Tennessee stuff.  But despite the rain, the fire kept going.  It wasn't even fazed.

Why can't I have that type of fire?  Once you get one going like that, it's so easy to tend, too.  You just keep adding hardwood.  Even a beginner would be hard pressed to suffocate such a good fire.

Am I really that bad at spiritual fire building?  I thought it was You that's supposed to build it anyway.  I thought I was just the fuel.  Or am I the fire builder and You're the fuel?  Or are You supposed to be both?  I don't know; and You know what?  I don't care, so long as the fire gets built.  I just want to be consumed.

I want to be enraptured even more than when I watch a movie and get sucked into the plot line.  I want to be so enveloped by Your presence that I can't think of anything else.  Please grant this request, Lord.  Please come to my aid.  You said that if I seek You, You will be found by me.  And that You are with me if I am with you.  God, I am with You, or trying to be; please help any part of me that's not.  I throw on you all my shortcomings and misconceptions about life.  I throw on You my hopes and dreams and desires.  Take it all.  I'm not worthy to try, and I don't have enough authority to give up.  I'll do whatever You ask.  It's up to You to take care of the outcomes and the assessments.  If I'm taking this class for You, then whatever grade I get is also for You.  It's not my grade; it's Yours.  I'm Yours.

Please forgive me for my constant mistakes and outright bad choices.  I'm so flawed and helpless to be any different.  I lay myself at Your feet.  There's nothing else I can do but that.

Fire begets Fire

Just in case you're an avid Afishymusicmachine blog reader... I'm still a pyro in the mood for fire.

But at the same time, I'm also a very social guy.  Social meaning I still feel a need for other, like-minded people to spur me on.  I feel the desperateness and the call of the Elijah and John the Baptist spirit--minus the ability to keep the fire going, to keep tapped into the stream of living water without having others around me who want and desire the same thing.

Is there anyone of my friends, preferably in the Lee University area who is willing to dive into this lifestyle?

Chris Oglesby and I were talking about this last night.  On a scale of 1 to 10, how holy do you want to be?  Seriously.  What's your answer to that question?  It seems like most Christians would just answer: "holy enough" or "just a little holier than I was yesterday" or something else similar.  May I venture to say... maybe even most Christians I know at Lee would say something like that, completely skirting the issue of the question.  Is there not anyone else who would answer a resounding "10!"

God isn't coming back for a semi-precious, almost-perfect bride.  Why do we insist on being complacent and apathetic in our Christian walk?  Why can't we simply humble ourselves and pray, and seek His face, and turn from our wicked ways?

Take a look around you.  We have been horribly decieved into thinking that our highly, and overtly perverted sexual culture is somehow overlooked by God.  And the church looks just like the world in this area.  It's just so heart breaking.  It makes me want to weep and curse in the same breath.

In Revelation 2:18-29, Jesus speaks to us.  He says he sees our love and faith, our service and preserverance.  He sees that we are doing so much for Him.  He essentially gives us a hearty, "BRAVO!"  He's proud of us; we're actually doing some good!  But... He goes on:  He wants to judge [correct] us for tolerating the spirit of Jezebel and her blatant sexual immorality.

He doesn't necessarily accuse us of being sexual immoral.... it's just that we tolerate it.  It doesn't bother us that our Christian brothers and sisters joke about the same, sexually crude stuff that the world does.  Instead of being sickened by the sexually perverted shows on television that depict and display homosexuality, pre- and extra-marital sex, pornography, complete immodesty, et al.-- instead of this sickening us, we enjoy it.  Huh?  Since when did this please the Heart of God?


Is there anyone else who desires extreme purity?  All I want is to be caught on fire by the Almighty God.  I honestly don't care what it looks like.  I don't care if it just makes me look like a freak or some off-the-edge religious fanatic.  I just want to be in the palm of God's hand.  I know that I'll make mistakes.  I know that I'll fall at least a thousand more times.  The higher the standard, the harder it is to reach.  Can perfection be attained?  That's an irrelevant question.  The real questions are: Who's going to aim for it?  Who's going to reach for excellence?  And more importantly: Who's going to stop playing "Christian" and finally give it their all?

Fasting, prayer, deep and real passion.  These are words that I want on my tombstone.  I don't care if anyone else joins me or not; this is my stubborn desire (finally! something good to be stubborn about! :-).

But the truth is... I do care if anyone else joins me.  So... please, someone respond.

Spiritual Platitudes and other General Mediocrities

So, I've had on my Facebook profile for sometime now that I desire to be a "Fire-breathing Christian."

But I'm so unsatisfied with my life right now; especially my Christian walk. I feel so mundane and lack-luster, and just generally lukewarm. It's not because I'm not trying; I just don't know what else to do. I pray, I read my Bible (even when I don't feel like it), and most of all (at least I think this is most important), when I "feel" the least like doing the right thing, I pray that God will give me the strength, nay... the desire to follow through.

But I feel so devoid of all Godly desire on a day-to-day basis. I mean, I have all kinds of ambitions and dreams with God in the grand scheme of things. Just about anyone who knows me knows I want to speak Spanish and fly airplanes and direct choirs, et. al. And truth be told, I desire to do these things for the glory of God.

But what about the here and now? What about my desire to make a good grade in Concepts of Analysis (Grad. Theory) or my desire to live a life completely above reproach? Why do these desires seem to take a backseat?

~

God, I so desperately long to please You. All I want is for You to smile when You see me because of something I've done. And it's not that I want to do it all by myself; I know I need your help. I'm so inadequate.

~

It's hard to be a white hot coal or a burning fire without other fuel and kindling around you. I need others to help spur me on. Maybe I'm supposed to be a leader in this; maybe I'm supposed to start some sort of Bible study or prayer group. I'm ready. But I'm in such need. I have such a deep lack of understanding of what the next step really is.

If God is a teacher, I'm sure He's the absolute best. But even The Most Perfect of All Teachers, must be limited in some way by a completely inept student.

~

God, more than anything else, I desire to be a fire breathing Christian. I truly believe that all that spiritual warfare "stuff" is real life. I want to be in the fray. I want to "die with my boots on" as Dr. Horton always said. What's the point in living unless I'm somehow a part of this grand fight? I want every second of my life to be spent, and well spent; either fighting, preparing for the fight, or resting from the fight. There has to be both purpose and passion even in the preparation and the resting. What point is there without passion; without fire?

There must be more than this. You have placed me here, right here at this physical time and place for a specific purpose. You will use me if I allow You; I know this. God, I make myself available to You and I place my life in Your hands. Do with me as You will; only... do something with me! As Your child, I am not content to be a pawn, or an expendable crewman. Use me for something great, Lord!

God, hold me to a higher standard. Call me to complete holiness in You. I want to burn white-hot with the fire of Your presence. I want to be so hot that anyone who speaks with me for even a moment can not help but notice and be burned themselves. I don't want a pretty, easily boxed passion. I want a passion that's messy and frantic and inexplicably contagious.

This is my desire. This is my cry to You for help. I cannot fake this passion I want. I can't manufacture this intense of a feeling. You must birth it in me. You must rip me apart. I want to see Your face, and I want my face to glow brighter than Moses'. Grip me with a desire for holiness that will not be satisfied with mediocrity or spiritual platitudes. I must have You—the holy, awesome, fearsome, and organic You—living in me. Fill me! Fill me in such a way that I must burst open and spew out Your goodness and mercy upon all those who come near me. Rend me from myself and force upon me Your perfect will! I am wholly Yours. Be wholly mine.

Amen.

prayer request

I'm writing you all to ask for prayer.

 

Spring break is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, and mentally refreshing, but for some reason, this has been a hard week for me.  During the last half of it, I've been tired and discouraged spiritually and mentally.  The biggest thing on my mind right now is my desire to go someplace and to do something, but I feel as though in all the dreams and visions (words I'm using in a similar fashion as "desires") that I've been given by God, my hands are tied behind my back.  It's frustrating, because although I see many things that I want to do and to be a part of, I am not given the opportunity to complete them.

 

I have desires to lead a highly skilled choir (who I can work with for more than just once or twice a week).

I desire to finish becoming fluent (as much as is possible at my age) in Spanish.

I desire to follow through with a pilot's license.

And of course, I would also like to find a companion/wife sometime soon.

 

And yet, with all of these desires, I feel almost as though I'm being teased; as though I'm only allowed to get close enough to better perfect the desire itself, but not close enough to take a step towards measurable attainment of those good and God-glorifying desires.

 

Well... I'm willing to go or do whatever God wants from me.  And I realize that right now that just might include more school (even though it seems like I've just been stuck in the same spot for more than 5 years!).  But... I really want something more than just this.  And I think God wants me to have life more abundantly even right here and now in the midst of the mundane.  But I don't understand how to partake in that yet, and I could really use some wisdom and help from God in that.  Discouragement and dispair don't have any place in the victorious life of a Christian.

 

So please pray for me.  I've been praying, but it would be nice knowing some others are also praying about this for me.

 

Thanks,

Jason