So, I've had on my Facebook profile for sometime now that I desire to be a "Fire-breathing Christian."
But I'm so unsatisfied with my life right now; especially my Christian walk. I feel so mundane and lack-luster, and just generally lukewarm. It's not because I'm not trying; I just don't know what else to do. I pray, I read my Bible (even when I don't feel like it), and most of all (at least I think this is most important), when I "feel" the least like doing the right thing, I pray that God will give me the strength, nay... the desire to follow through.
But I feel so devoid of all Godly desire on a day-to-day basis. I mean, I have all kinds of ambitions and dreams with God in the grand scheme of things. Just about anyone who knows me knows I want to speak Spanish and fly airplanes and direct choirs, et. al. And truth be told, I desire to do these things for the glory of God.
But what about the here and now? What about my desire to make a good grade in Concepts of Analysis (Grad. Theory) or my desire to live a life completely above reproach? Why do these desires seem to take a backseat?
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God, I so desperately long to please You. All I want is for You to smile when You see me because of something I've done. And it's not that I want to do it all by myself; I know I need your help. I'm so inadequate.
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It's hard to be a white hot coal or a burning fire without other fuel and kindling around you. I need others to help spur me on. Maybe I'm supposed to be a leader in this; maybe I'm supposed to start some sort of Bible study or prayer group. I'm ready. But I'm in such need. I have such a deep lack of understanding of what the next step really is.
If God is a teacher, I'm sure He's the absolute best. But even The Most Perfect of All Teachers, must be limited in some way by a completely inept student.
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God, more than anything else, I desire to be a fire breathing Christian. I truly believe that all that spiritual warfare "stuff" is real life. I want to be in the fray. I want to "die with my boots on" as Dr. Horton always said. What's the point in living unless I'm somehow a part of this grand fight? I want every second of my life to be spent, and well spent; either fighting, preparing for the fight, or resting from the fight. There has to be both purpose and passion even in the preparation and the resting. What point is there without passion; without fire?
There must be more than this. You have placed me here, right here at this physical time and place for a specific purpose. You will use me if I allow You; I know this. God, I make myself available to You and I place my life in Your hands. Do with me as You will; only... do something with me! As Your child, I am not content to be a pawn, or an expendable crewman. Use me for something great, Lord!
God, hold me to a higher standard. Call me to complete holiness in You. I want to burn white-hot with the fire of Your presence. I want to be so hot that anyone who speaks with me for even a moment can not help but notice and be burned themselves. I don't want a pretty, easily boxed passion. I want a passion that's messy and frantic and inexplicably contagious.
This is my desire. This is my cry to You for help. I cannot fake this passion I want. I can't manufacture this intense of a feeling. You must birth it in me. You must rip me apart. I want to see Your face, and I want my face to glow brighter than Moses'. Grip me with a desire for holiness that will not be satisfied with mediocrity or spiritual platitudes. I must have You—the holy, awesome, fearsome, and organic You—living in me. Fill me! Fill me in such a way that I must burst open and spew out Your goodness and mercy upon all those who come near me. Rend me from myself and force upon me Your perfect will! I am wholly Yours. Be wholly mine.
Amen.
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