Gal. 6:8-9

Some days you strive to do your best, and others you just strive not to give up. Neither is all that bad.

At least that's what Gal 6:8-9 says to me today.  Well... actually just verse 9: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Some days I just get so tired of doing good, trying hard and giving my best.  When will I get a break?  When do I get a sabbatical?  I thought those were supposed to be an ever week thing, but don't know if I can remember the last time I've had one.  I get to the end of my day, er, well... I get to 5 or 6 pm and my brain refuses to be productive.  On the best of days, I force it into submission and am thereby able to cram 30 minutes worth of work into the next 3 or 4 hours of striving.

Strive is sort of a funny word.  Well... more of a painful word.  It's almost like work, but work often comes with rewards.  A "hard day's work" connotes pictures of accomplishment and pride.  But "strive" just makes me think of spinning my wheels.  Hard work without any discernible progress or accomplishment.  All the work without any of the fun.

So I guess what I'm trying to do is give some sort of apologetic speech about why I'm not perfect.

I mentioned to Dr. Plate yesterday that I felt like everyone (my peers, the undergraduates, and some of my professors as well) looks down on me even when I'm doing my best; like I'm working hard, but it doesn't matter because it's just not good enough.  I'm supposed to be the mature graduate student who has a good knowledge base and is thirsty for more.  (Quick side note: I'm going to be working on the "mature" part because I realize I've been taking the "heart of a child" thing a little too far).  But in reality, I feel a lot more like a super-super senior without any sort of mental super-powers.  I'm all but a failing graduate student just trying to keep my head above water.

What makes this worse is that now that I'm taking this Choral Lit. class with many of the juniors and seniors from Chorale... they've caught on.  They see what I'm putting out and look at me with disdain.  "Why can't he just grow up?"  "Is he really that dumb?"  In truth, I'm one of the least smartest in the class, and yet, I'm the only graduate student.  Sad day.

Unfortunately, I'm just me.  I'm really not all that smart (mentally, spiritually, or otherwise).  About the only redeeming thing about me is that I don't quit.  At least not for long.  And sometimes, I really wonder if that's such a redeeming quality anyways.  I've definitely gotten in trouble a couple times when I should have quit, but it took me too long to figure that out.

So... here I am.  Without fanfare or amazing musical abilities.  Without any amazing GPA.  Without any real advantage at all.

I know God brought me here (to Lee, to graduate school, to life; your pick), but sometimes I seriously wonder what He's going to do with me; because at this point it doesn't seem like I'm really worth all that much.

But I've promised Him that I'm His; good and bad; mistakes, forgetfulness, shortcomings and all.  And it's a good think He'll take me, because no one else wants this mess.  Not even me.